@Matt_The_1st

Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…

*opens The Shining

@Matt_The_1st

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

@Matt_The_1st

Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”

Doctor: “40”

@Matt_The_1st

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

@Matt_The_1st

Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another

@Matt_The_1st

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN

@Matt_The_1st

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

@Matt_The_1st

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

@Matt_The_1st

Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house