Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
Follow us on Instagram. That's it, don't make us say cringy things like YouTubers say at the end of their videos. Click here to follow us
@Matt_The_1st : So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
@Matt_The_1st: Ok kids, you get in bed, I'll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go...
*opens The Shining
@Matt_The_1st: Yes. You rt'd me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
@Matt_The_1st: Me: "Hey doc, what's that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?"
@Matt_The_1st: "You should only have to tell them once"
- People with no children
@Matt_The_1st: Sorry I didn't reply to your text, I just couldn't find a response that would keep you from sending another
@Matt_The_1st: I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
@Matt_The_1st: "Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don't we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?"
@Matt_The_1st: "Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
@Matt_The_1st: Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria's secret around the house