@Matt_The_1st So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
@Matt_The_1st @Matt_The_1st Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
@Matt_The_1st Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
@Matt_The_1st Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
@Matt_The_1st “You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
@Matt_The_1st Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
@Matt_The_1st I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
@Matt_The_1st “Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
@Matt_The_1st “Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
@Matt_The_1st Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house