Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
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PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!