If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
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Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
pizza
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Thursday Thought.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.