Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
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when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
My five year plan is a meteorite
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Money is the root of all wealth
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.