For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
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He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.