Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
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[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Thoughts
how it started vs how it ended
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
We’ve come full circle
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks