Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
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I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?