[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
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The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.