I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
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[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.