@MauriceBlitz

I want to invent a nap time machine, which is a time machine that takes you to times you could’ve napped and didn’t.

@MauriceBlitz

Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

@MauriceBlitz

I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.

@MauriceBlitz

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

@MauriceBlitz

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.