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Page of MavenofHonor's best tweets

@MavenofHonor : Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away

@MavenofHonor: It is a truth universally acknowledged, that when you’re looking at your phone next to someone who’s sleeping, you will inadvertently click on a video

@MavenofHonor: Oh, I don't need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

@MavenofHonor: Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree

@MavenofHonor: Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

@MavenofHonor: Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

@MavenofHonor: Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

@MavenofHonor: The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse

@MavenofHonor: A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse

@MavenofHonor: Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were