@MavenofHonor

Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard

@MavenofHonor

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

@MavenofHonor

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

@MavenofHonor

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

@MavenofHonor

[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times

[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING

@MavenofHonor

Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away

@MavenofHonor

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that when you’re looking at your phone next to someone who’s sleeping, you will inadvertently click on a video

@MavenofHonor

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

@MavenofHonor

Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree

@MavenofHonor

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere