@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
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Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
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Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.