If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
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me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
My teenage children choosing violence
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.