Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
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My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.