If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
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A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?