[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
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Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Comparing yourself to others
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.