Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
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My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?