*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
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I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
I enjoy a good short stor
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.