Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
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Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!