I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
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LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
the three genders
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
When you don’t understand how floors work
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?