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Page of McGrumpenstein's best tweets

@McGrumpenstein : CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

@McGrumpenstein: BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?

@McGrumpenstein: why isn't there a shovelling event in the winter olympics

@McGrumpenstein: if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie

@McGrumpenstein: ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out

@McGrumpenstein: If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.

@McGrumpenstein: DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*

@McGrumpenstein: Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

@McGrumpenstein: ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I'd like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows

@McGrumpenstein: I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae