Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.