Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@McGrumpenstein : Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
@McGrumpenstein: CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues...
@McGrumpenstein: CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
@McGrumpenstein: If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
@McGrumpenstein: CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
@McGrumpenstein: BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
@McGrumpenstein: why isn't there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
@McGrumpenstein: if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
@McGrumpenstein: ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
@McGrumpenstein: If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.