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Page of McGrumpenstein's best tweets

@McGrumpenstein : DRY CLEANER: ...are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an...
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot

@McGrumpenstein: I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

@McGrumpenstein: confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands

@McGrumpenstein: You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

@McGrumpenstein: FRIEND: You're a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.

@McGrumpenstein: ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur

@McGrumpenstein: POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but...
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going

@McGrumpenstein: Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

@McGrumpenstein: by this time next year, Ariana Grande's eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance