Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
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I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Yes, but it was never about money
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Monday Lisa
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.