Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of McGrumpenstein's best tweets

@McGrumpenstein : DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*

@McGrumpenstein: Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

@McGrumpenstein: ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I'd like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows

@McGrumpenstein: I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae

@McGrumpenstein: DRY CLEANER: ...are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an...
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot

@McGrumpenstein: I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

@McGrumpenstein: confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands

@McGrumpenstein: You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

@McGrumpenstein: FRIEND: You're a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.