@McGrumpenstein

my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before

@McGrumpenstein

*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette

@McGrumpenstein

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

@McGrumpenstein

brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys

@McGrumpenstein

Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner

@McGrumpenstein

police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*

@McGrumpenstein

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

@McGrumpenstein

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*

@McGrumpenstein

Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!

Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!