Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of McGrumpenstein's best tweets

@McGrumpenstein : I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”

@McGrumpenstein: *Victorian letters to Santa*

My dearest Santa,

I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.

*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*

I would like an orange.

@McGrumpenstein: *third date, back at my place*

me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt... HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

@McGrumpenstein: Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?

@McGrumpenstein: my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

@McGrumpenstein: To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

@McGrumpenstein: Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.

*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*

Me: Yes, “nice.”

@McGrumpenstein: DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?

@McGrumpenstein: my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before

@McGrumpenstein: *a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette