Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of McGrumpenstein's best tweets

@McGrumpenstein : ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur

@McGrumpenstein: POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but...
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going

@McGrumpenstein: Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

@McGrumpenstein: by this time next year, Ariana Grande's eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

@McGrumpenstein: *limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*

Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He's just lonely. We need another puma.

@McGrumpenstein: I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

@McGrumpenstein: I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”

@McGrumpenstein: *Victorian letters to Santa*

My dearest Santa,

I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.

*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*

I would like an orange.

@McGrumpenstein: *third date, back at my place*

me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt... HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

@McGrumpenstein: Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?