Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
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My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
the #horror is real!
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
What even happened today?
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.