@McGrumpenstein: POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but...
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
@McGrumpenstein: Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
@McGrumpenstein: by this time next year, Ariana Grande's eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
@McGrumpenstein: *limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He's just lonely. We need another puma.
@McGrumpenstein: I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
@McGrumpenstein: I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
@McGrumpenstein: *Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
@McGrumpenstein: *third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt... HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
@McGrumpenstein: Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*