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Page of McGrumpenstein's best tweets

@McGrumpenstein : Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

@McGrumpenstein: brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are... are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys

@McGrumpenstein: My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

@McGrumpenstein: Garfunkel: There's must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it's closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: ...49 ways to kill your singing partner

@McGrumpenstein: police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*

@McGrumpenstein: *reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

@McGrumpenstein: hear me out...

...lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*

@McGrumpenstein: Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding...
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!

Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys... we've been training for this our whole lives!

@McGrumpenstein: *sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store