Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Follow us on Instagram. That's it, don't make us say cringy things like YouTubers say at the end of their videos. Click here to follow us

Page of McGrumpenstein's best tweets

@McGrumpenstein : my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

@McGrumpenstein: To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

@McGrumpenstein: Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.

*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*

Me: Yes, “nice.”

@McGrumpenstein: DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?

@McGrumpenstein: my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before

@McGrumpenstein: *a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette

@McGrumpenstein: Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

@McGrumpenstein: brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are... are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys

@McGrumpenstein: My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

@McGrumpenstein: Garfunkel: There's must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it's closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: ...49 ways to kill your singing partner