LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
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[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
When I laugh on my period
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping