What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
You Might Also Like
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking