it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
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TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase