Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
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It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?