urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
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Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Rt to bother an English speaker