@McNevich

The only way I’m listening to a voicemail is if I think the pizza guy is lost

@McNevich

Sometimes I’ll flush a few slices of pizza down the toilet just to let the Ninja Turtles know I miss them

@McNevich

Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman

@McNevich

If there’s a pistachio that’s difficult to open, I’ll just move right on to another because life is short and so is my god damn temper

@McNevich

Had pumpkin flavored coffee this morning and immediately signed up for a Zumba class and kidnapped 2 kids and drove them to a soccer field

@McNevich

Accidentally ate a ball of wasabi the size of a marble and now I can smell math

@McNevich

Nice try, people that invite me to things that aren’t in my house

@McNevich

I send thank you cards to people that don’t invite me to their weddings

@McNevich

Facebook game requests are the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the Internet