so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
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<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭