You Might Also Like
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
me logging onto twitter
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake