Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
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me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY