“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
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Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.