lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
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Banderslack Clamberdorch
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
This is the ideal bird body
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Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Ha.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?