Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
You Might Also Like
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
me 2 months after i graduated
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.