ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
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STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I might carry a baby with one hand.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.