Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
You Might Also Like
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Here’s a meme
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman