@Megatronic13

Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??

Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy

@Megatronic13

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

@Megatronic13

Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!

Me: *puts hands out*

Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?

Me: *blushing* guilty

Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME

@Megatronic13

Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.

When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.

@Megatronic13

Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.

@Megatronic13

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

@Megatronic13

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.