Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
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[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.