My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
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my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Bill is short for Billiam
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”