Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
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Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”