@MelvinofYork: My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
@MelvinofYork: The word "hello" only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
@MelvinofYork: I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she's asking things like "can the elves leave if they want" and "does he help make toys or does he just sit there"
@MelvinofYork: Me: god you're sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I'll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
@MelvinofYork: My mom used to say "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about" and I'd be like "I've already got something, but thanks"
@MelvinofYork: Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
@MelvinofYork: She said "you're dead to me" but I suspect she's planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
@MelvinofYork: I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said "YOU KNOW WHY" and now I'm just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down