@MelvinofYork: With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn't "bring me joy" I'd just throw myself into a dumpster
@MelvinofYork: Me: I'll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno... maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
@MelvinofYork: My daughter just said "my friends all think you're cool but I know you're not." Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
@MelvinofYork: My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
@MelvinofYork: The word "hello" only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
@MelvinofYork: I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she's asking things like "can the elves leave if they want" and "does he help make toys or does he just sit there"
@MelvinofYork: Me: god you're sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I'll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
@MelvinofYork: My mom used to say "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about" and I'd be like "I've already got something, but thanks"