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Page of MelvinofYork's best tweets

@MelvinofYork : Me: I'll have the chicken

Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared

Me: I dunno... maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever

@MelvinofYork: My daughter just said "my friends all think you're cool but I know you're not." Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

@MelvinofYork: My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones

@MelvinofYork: The word "hello" only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other

@MelvinofYork: Wife: ugh I feel fat

Me: please take your hands off me

@MelvinofYork: I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she's asking things like "can the elves leave if they want" and "does he help make toys or does he just sit there"

@MelvinofYork: Me: god you're sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I'll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

@MelvinofYork: My mom used to say "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about" and I'd be like "I've already got something, but thanks"

@MelvinofYork: Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me

@MelvinofYork: She said "you're dead to me" but I suspect she's planning to make me dead to everyone else as well