@MelvinofYork

I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle

@MelvinofYork

Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat

@MelvinofYork

*email from Amazon*

Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE

Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE

Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE

We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE

@MelvinofYork

*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly

@MelvinofYork

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

@MelvinofYork

I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment

@MelvinofYork

I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles

@MelvinofYork

My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer

@MelvinofYork

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life