@MelvinofYork

I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time

@MelvinofYork

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

@MelvinofYork

Me: I’ll have the chicken

Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared

Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever

@MelvinofYork

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

@MelvinofYork

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones

@MelvinofYork

The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other

@MelvinofYork

I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”

@MelvinofYork

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

@MelvinofYork

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”