My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
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I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I put the hot in psychotic.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.