What a kind woman! 😂😂
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[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
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sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
2022: I can fix it
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.