Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
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[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …