Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
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Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
o shit
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Don’t forget to tip your server
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.