When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
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May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.