Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
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My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Who called it baking and not making love
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.