*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
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My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
umm…
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”