Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
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Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Try and stop me.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.