*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
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It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
This is a whole mood;
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.