First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
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[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
This chloroform smells expensiv…
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.